If Life Were A Disney Film...

If life were a Disney film...

Ah wouldn’t life be but a dream if we were able to use our dusty vintage Disney video tapes as portals into Walt’s magical world? I can’t say I’ve ever known a beautiful, radiant princess to suffer from PMS induced facial break-outs or a handsome Prince’s valiant dignity reduced in size as he goes for his annual prostate check-up-- “If you could just remove your trousers and bend over the table please Mr. Charming? This might feel a tad uncomfortable...”.  Images of fairy Godmother’s and haggard old witches swapping menopause tips at their weekly WI meetings spring amusingly to mind.

“ A tale as old as time”- hunky Prince rescues beautiful Princess and the two live happily ever after; No checking through each other’s call histories and rowdy nights out at Oceana with ‘the lads’. I can’t say I’d enjoy the films as much if the characters regularly checked their Facebook pages, “Prince Charming was with Aladdin at Nandos”. The relationship status “It’s complicated” just wouldn’t seem to cut it for Arial the mermaid, don’t you think? -- “’LOL just Ebay-ing a new shell bra YOLO’- with Flounder”, lucky Prince... Witches would have more luck poisoning bacon double cheese burgers as opposed to apples. Bambie becoming addicted to ‘shrooms’ he comes across in the forest in order to deal with his mother’s sudden death and rebel against his dead-beat Dad, and let’s be honest, Belle clearly only married the Beast for his money...perhaps figured she could get him a Groupon for laser hair removal for Christmas? She can’t exactly have one of those days when you need a drop of bourbon in your coffee for fear of the teacup tattling on her... I don’t know about you folks, but in our house if we have a cup with a chip in it, we throw it in the bin and move on with our lives-- regardless of the wrath of maternal teapots.

Sometimes we all catch ourselves leaving the house accidentally still singing and dancing to our iPod’s, the shame of which is almost too much to bear here on earth (No? Just me?). Well fear not, for musical numbers seem to be a necessity in the world of Walt! Although singing a love-declaring song to the lass you’ve got a crush on after only just meeting her basically screams ‘needy loser’. Similarly, something the Disney world could learn from us is that nicknames hurt- especially politically incorrect ones; Dopey. Really? It’s just cruel.

If all the Disney baddies visited their local chiropractor to get their crooked hunchback’s corrected and simply got plastic surgery procedures to straighten their noses and relax their eyebrows, they’d be able to fool the goodies into trusting them with much greater success, especially if they invested in some fancy razors to get rid of those tell-tale evil facial hair characteristics- Calling all naive Princesses, if he has a creepy moustache and a pointy beard, just steer bloody clear!

I don’t suppose in the Disney world they have a local Tesco’s that you can pop to for some Gaviscon after a heavy meal, so perhaps a visit to their realm is not as ideal as it might seem... although you wouldn’t catch Cinderella slut-dropping the Prince at the grand ball and spinster cat-owners would positively die for the chance to be able to have real conversations with their magical talking kitties.

Still, the dream of meeting that one gorgeous heartthrob who will always protect you from life’s metaphorical dragons and love you for ‘ever after’ thrives within each of us 21^st Century ladies, even the stubborn “I don’t need no man” feminists! However, distant waters don’t quench the immediate thirst and so we all must settle for a life and love a bit less...Disney. Perhaps not such a bad thing when you think about it- I can’t see any Disney royalty enjoying a lazy Sunday in their joggers with a box of Cheerios, a pint of cider and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Although their dramas could make for some interesting Sunday Jeremy Kyle viewing... ‘Uncle, you killed my Dad and had me attacked by hyenas- why should I trust you?’, ‘Prince, admit you cheated on me while I was under the witch’s sleep spell!’, ‘Cruella, acknowledge you have a problem and leave our pets alone!’