The side you take for this battle
explains so much about you. Whether your fellow comrades in arms are
pro-pringle or anti-single, the ongoing battle between relationships and the (arguably much more fun) alternative raises battle strategy questions from both trenches.
Iiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn thhhheeeee
reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed cornerrrrrrrrrr...
We have the sickly variety of 'spoken
for' saps.
If you are reading this, then it is not
possible that you fall under this category, as it signifies that you
have some semblance of a life outside of nussling your nose in your
partners' armpit. These are the kind of people who's “Nah, I think
I'm just gunna have a quiet one in with the Mrs/boyf” default
response to any social invitation will make you feel more nauseous
than an Embarrassing Bodies repeat after a shameful week-old Krispy
Kreme consumption (queue all the bitter single ladies to join me in a shameful knowing head bow).
But doughnut fear! (See what I did there?) Codependency is an illness that, though
not always terminal, can often lead to acute friendlessness when left
untreated.
Here's how to spot the symptoms...
1. If you check in at Nandos with your
partner more than once a week.
2. If you and your partner exercise
together.
3. If you end each night listening to
a complete break down of everything your other half ate that day.
4. If you take mirror pictures with
your partner.
5. If you spend every minute of your
day together and then still have a weekly 'date night'.
6. If you don't remember the last time
you weren't both in matching joggers.
7. If you photograph and publicise all
the food that one of you has ever cooked for the other.
8. If you (miraculously) agree to
attend a social event and then spend the whole night talking to each
other in the corner (probably about how much you wish you were back
on the sofa in your his&her joggers watching Great British Bake
Off).
9. If you have regular conversations
about furniture and your future baby names.
10. If it has become physically
impossible for you to stay awake any later than 11pm.
11. If your partner is tagged in the
last 10 things you posted to Facebook.
12. Or if one of you actually starts
shitting what the other has eaten.
If you find yourself suffering with any
or (God help you) all of the above, then please seek immediate
treatment in the form of 'stop being so fucking pathetic' pills (two
a day should be sufficient until symptoms subside) or alternatively,
purchasing an over the counter 'life' from any local chemist-- with
any luck they might have a 'get some friends free with your purchase'
special offer on.
HOWEVER
Iiiiiinnnnnnnnnn thhhhhhheeeeeeee
bluuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeee cornerrrrrrrr...
YOU people. You people who smugly
enjoyed the previous description so much. You are trouble and you
know it! You scallywags who play the field and swan about making
people feed sugar cubes to your high horses because 'being
affectionate is for gays'. You people will undoubtedly become what
you hate so much one day, its nature I'm afraid. After one too many bad bouts
of chlamydia and an ever increasingly judgemental glare from the
receptionist at your local sexual health clinic, you will turn to the
dark soppy side of life. But until then, we know you as the people
who resent your friends' partners who so selfishly stole them away
from you. How dare your best mate skip a fortnight in Magaluf because
they're saving up for a mortgage with the other half?! You
beautifully confident and secretly lonely people who believe
unalterably that your youth should be spent bent over a different
chest of drawers or with a new pair of thighs wrapped around your
face each week. Sure, it has its benefits...
1. Zero drama.
2. Morning star-fishing ability.
3. Much more time to socialise.
4. More booze money.
5. Nobody telling you what not to wear.
6. Significantly less judgement from
your pillow than from a potential partner with regards to morning
breath.
7. Nobody judging your alcohol intake and saying things like "haven't you had enough?"
8. ...and did I mention the no drama
thing?!
The money you spend on nights out and condoms each year would just about cover a years worth of meals, gifts and cinema trips with any hypothetical girlfriend or boyfriend, and are probably a lot more fun, lets be honest! But who are you kidding?-- you're all desperate for cuddles.
The pattern you may be gauging here is that there doesn't seem to be a happy medium. A 'No Man's Land' between the two conflicting ideals. Sure, the soldiers can switch sides whenever they please-- we've all got that one friend that parties too hard one minute and then falls in love too fast the next (AKA the one on the battlefield that accidentally keeps shooting themselves in the leg...classic Daddy issues), but there is never going to be a definitive winner.
There are, of course, the desperate exceptions: the bitterly single and seeking, or the shackled shacked-up pining for freedom, but neither of those sound all that appealing either.
Are there any winners out there? Until we find a middle ground, I'll be avoiding the landmines just the same as the rest of you! Our Grandparents never had to deal with this shit #21stCenturyProblems
"The grass is always greener on the other side..."--Maybe we should all be a bit more ambitious and stop making being in a really green field our main objective in life...
