Single V Taken

The side you take for this battle explains so much about you. Whether your fellow comrades in arms are pro-pringle or anti-single, the ongoing battle between relationships and the (arguably much more fun) alternative raises battle strategy questions from both trenches.  

Iiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn thhhheeeee reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed cornerrrrrrrrrr...

We have the sickly variety of 'spoken for' saps.

If you are reading this, then it is not possible that you fall under this category, as it signifies that you have some semblance of a life outside of nussling your nose in your partners' armpit. These are the kind of people who's “Nah, I think I'm just gunna have a quiet one in with the Mrs/boyf” default response to any social invitation will make you feel more nauseous than an Embarrassing Bodies repeat after a shameful week-old Krispy Kreme consumption (queue all the bitter single ladies to join me in a shameful knowing head bow).

But doughnut fear! (See what I did there?) Codependency is an illness that, though not always terminal, can often lead to acute friendlessness when left untreated.

Here's how to spot the symptoms...

1. If you check in at Nandos with your partner more than once a week.

2. If you and your partner exercise together.

3. If you end each night listening to a complete break down of everything your other half ate that day.

4. If you take mirror pictures with your partner.

5. If you spend every minute of your day together and then still have a weekly 'date night'.

6. If you don't remember the last time you weren't both in matching joggers.

7. If you photograph and publicise all the food that one of you has ever cooked for the other.

8. If you (miraculously) agree to attend a social event and then spend the whole night talking to each other in the corner (probably about how much you wish you were back on the sofa in your his&her joggers watching Great British Bake Off).

9. If you have regular conversations about furniture and your future baby names.

10. If it has become physically impossible for you to stay awake any later than 11pm.

11. If your partner is tagged in the last 10 things you posted to Facebook.

12. Or if one of you actually starts shitting what the other has eaten.

If you find yourself suffering with any or (God help you) all of the above, then please seek immediate treatment in the form of 'stop being so fucking pathetic' pills (two a day should be sufficient until symptoms subside) or alternatively, purchasing an over the counter 'life' from any local chemist-- with any luck they might have a 'get some friends free with your purchase' special offer on.

HOWEVER

Iiiiiinnnnnnnnnn thhhhhhheeeeeeee bluuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeee cornerrrrrrrr...

YOU people. You people who smugly enjoyed the previous description so much. You are trouble and you know it! You scallywags who play the field and swan about making people feed sugar cubes to your high horses because 'being affectionate is for gays'. You people will undoubtedly become what you hate so much one day, its nature I'm afraid. After one too many bad bouts of chlamydia and an ever increasingly judgemental glare from the receptionist at your local sexual health clinic, you will turn to the dark soppy side of life. But until then, we know you as the people who resent your friends' partners who so selfishly stole them away from you. How dare your best mate skip a fortnight in Magaluf because they're saving up for a mortgage with the other half?! You beautifully confident and secretly lonely people who believe unalterably that your youth should be spent bent over a different chest of drawers or with a new pair of thighs wrapped around your face each week. Sure, it has its benefits...

1. Zero drama.

2. Morning star-fishing ability.

3. Much more time to socialise.

4. More booze money.

5. Nobody telling you what not to wear.

6. Significantly less judgement from your pillow than from a potential partner with regards to morning breath.

7. Nobody judging your alcohol intake and saying things like "haven't you had enough?"

8. ...and did I mention the no drama thing?!

The money you spend on nights out and condoms each year would just about cover a years worth of meals, gifts and cinema trips with any hypothetical girlfriend or boyfriend, and are probably a lot more fun, lets be honest! But who are you kidding?-- you're all desperate for cuddles.

The pattern you may be gauging here is that there doesn't seem to be a happy medium. A 'No Man's Land' between the two conflicting ideals. Sure, the soldiers can switch sides whenever they please-- we've all got that one friend that parties too hard one minute and then falls in love too fast the next (AKA the one on the battlefield that accidentally keeps shooting themselves in the leg...classic Daddy issues), but there is never going to be a definitive winner. 

There are, of course, the desperate exceptions: the bitterly single and seeking, or the shackled shacked-up pining for freedom, but neither of those sound all that appealing either. 

Are there any winners out there? Until we find a middle ground, I'll be avoiding the landmines just the same as the rest of you! Our Grandparents never had to deal with this shit #21stCenturyProblems

"The grass is always greener on the other side..."--Maybe we should all be a bit more ambitious and stop making being in a really green field our main objective in life...